Sukubetha!

This week absolutely flew by. I can't believe it's over. The days go by slow here, but the weeks are over before you can blink. It's true. I would say I'm starting to feel more at home here but the thing is I felt at home from day 1. It seems like I've been here forever already and it's only been 2 weeks. I finally know all my kids by name! Two of them were taken away and placed in foster homes this week. I guess it's technically a good thing but I'm still pretty sad about it. And one of my favorite little girls is going to be placed with foster parents next week. It's hard because I'm already really attached and it's just going to get worse. Speaking of attached...

On Monday when I arrived, I noticed a new little boy with all the children. He wasn't really playing or talking with any of them. Come to find out, he was abandoned and his first day at Nomzamo was Sunday. And he wasn't talking with the children because he doesn't speak xhosa. He speaks Afrikaans and a little bit of English. He is the sweetest little boy. This past week he has become my shadow. On Monday we met and I didn't see a smile or hear a word out of him once. On Tuesday I got a small little grin. He just wants to be held all the time. On Wednesday I was supposed to take the younger kids (2 & 3 year olds) out to play so the older kids could have a lesson. The new little boy started screaming his head off the second I left the room so the other care taker brought him to me. He stopped crying immediately. On Thursday when I was playing outside with all the kids I went to take a bathroom break while everyone was distracted. I walked inside and down the hall. I thought I heard one of the kids start to cry. I got through the office and into the bathroom. As the door closed I wondered why the crying seemed to have gotten louder rather than quieter since I was a long ways away from the playground. I turn around and walk out to check. The little guy had followed me in from the playground, down the hall, and through offices to find me, balling the whole time. And of course, the second I pick him up, he's fine. I don't want to spoil him but I feel awful. The poor kid is so lonely. He can't understand a lot of the workers, none of the children, and he's recently abandoned. His memories are so fresh and he doesn't have a lot of distractions. Today we had to be a little firmer with him. We were making the kids race but he didn't want to run. He just wanted to stand next to me. I wouldn't pick him up and he was okay just standing there until the other worker tried to make him run. Then he wouldn't stop crying so we decided I would go inside to see if he would run. Nope. He got past 2 other workers and chased me down but I hid in the room with all the adorable infants so he couldn't find me. He cried for like 20 minutes and never did run. He just sat off to the side. I felt so bad but there was nothing I could do. So I distracted myself by playing with babies for an hour or so. I finally did go back to the older kids but I had to force myself not to look at him because I didn't want him to run to me and get in trouble. And he watches me non-stop. When he's eating, when he's supposed to be watching tv, during lessons or activities, he's always watching me to make sure I'm not leaving. And I know he's paranoid about that because his mom just did exactly that. I know that's why he's acting this way. Most of the workers and even the director call him my child. By day 3 of him being there they told me I found a son. Awkward, but I do love him.

One thing I feel horribly about, and I know I've mentioned this before, is the lack of staff. But even if they weren't understaffed, the kids still wouldn't get the one-on-one attention they crave. I do my best to give everyone a turn riding on my shoulders, or sitting on my lap, and I give more kisses and hugs than I can count. My way of doing things and the way they do things here are vey different though and I need to be careful not to step on any toes. I know all these women care about kids but sometimes it's hard. You can't show favorites, but certain kids just need more attention. And the women are able to give the kids piggyback rides or make them fly like airplanes. They are basically just left to play with each other and get yelled at IF they get caught doing something bad. It's just so different. Infants and toddlers and children alike are all left unsupervised more than you'd believe. In daycares back home I'm not allowed to leave 2 toddlers unattended for 5 seconds, and here, they leave 10 or more outside by themselves. And kids of all ages, throughout the townships, can be seen wandering around without any adult supervision at all. It's sad but it's a reality. That's another thing. The idea of a childhood, where you get to actually be a kid and play and have fun with the right to be safe is a relatively new idea (like the last 30 years) here. It's baffling to me, who grew up privileged and still tries to act like a kid as much as possible.

So that's my sad, depressing spiel. But don't get me wrong, I still love my time at Nomzamo, and all the kids, (especially my new little guy!), and everyone who works there. But right now, I have a huge empty, dark house to myself and 5 other people (everyone else is gone for the weekend), calling my name for a game of hide-and-seek to cheer me up!! Peace!

P.S. Sukubetha is "don't hit" in xhosa